trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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