Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
