I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
