I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just google imaged poop.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
