I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
