it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it's like iHOP with fire
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
