Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
