she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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