dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
