I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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