Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
