He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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