my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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