He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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