I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
