My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
