Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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