Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
