made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Randomize
