i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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