break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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