You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
