I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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