matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
