Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
