I got her a Nickelback box set.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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