Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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