I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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