if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
