i already hear my dad disowning me
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
