I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
