he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
