i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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