were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
