Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
