i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
