Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
