Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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