saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
