meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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