First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
