highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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