mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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