I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
