My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
