my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
