God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
