Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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