So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
