Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
