im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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