Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
